April Reflections

I should perhaps start with a warning, this is quite a long post so you might want to pop the kettle on before you begin. I acknowledge that writing it has been a somewhat cathartic process so I hope you’ll understand!

My word for this year had been, and in fact still is ‘celebration’.  It is emblazoned across my oven in magnetic scrabble letters.  2020 was to be a significant year with some milestone events.  A 50^th birthday, a 25^th wedding anniversary, 25 years as qualified nurse, a reunion with university friends, and much more.  Some of that celebration was very definitely planned for April when I was especially looking forward to celebrating my birthday.  A trip to Rome with my husband, a party at home with friends, and a family lunch were all part of the festivities.  As it happened things didn’t quite work out like that.

On the first of April which is my birthday. I was happily at home enjoying time away from the whirlwind of work.  The last couple of weeks had been a scary time, Coronavirus was very much a reality, lockdown had happened and in my job as a hospital palliative care nurse I was reeling from the onslaught towards the end of March of very sick and dying patients on a daily basis. Oh yes, it was good to start April with some down time.

Reflections on Work

It’s hard to know where to begin when reflecting on work at the moment.  In many ways my thoughts and feelings are still jumbled as I continue to try and make sense of what has happened and is still happening now.

I know there are images in my head which I suspect will stay etched there for a very long time.  There are faces of patients I have had the privilege to care for which will remain with me.  Memories of significant conversations had behind a mask and PPE with dying patients linger and the feeling of helplessness as I repeatedly witnessed what I knew would inevitably end in death remain.  So often it has become a matter of when, not if.  At work, my tears have been near the surface on a number of occasions and I have almost been thankful for the disguise of a mask to hide my emotions.

Palliative care has taken on a new face.  No longer the same opportunity for the bedside conversations with family members. The shared discussions around where someone would want to be cared for and the opportunity to learn about what is important to them have almost gone.  Coronavirus has stolen that from so many. So often now my work has become about medications to bring comfort in the last hours and days of life.  Intuitively touching patients during conversations, holding a hand, and even the occasional supportive hug from a colleague can no longer be spontaneous.  Repeatedly going into work and finding that a significant proportion of the patients I cared for the day before had died over night became usual.  Even after many years in palliative care, working with the frail and the dying, I have struggled with the volume of death and particularly the speed at which my patients have died.  The luxury of time to plan and discuss and to build relationships disappeared overnight it seemed.

Reflections on Everything Else

The reality of lockdown hit in April.  As I look back on my furiously scribbled in journal, I see how I  moved from shock and disbelief to a weary acceptance.  If my work has taught me anything, it has taught me how essential the lock down is.  Taking it lightly is not an option.

Sleep was and is sometimes tricky, as I know it is for may others. Waking during the night and then very early has become the norm.  I have accepted that although more than anything I miss seeing my family and friends, I know this has to be so.  I miss the big things, going out for dinner, travelling, art galleries, days out. But, it has been the smaller things which are harder to deal with.  Closed post offices and flower stalls, not being able to send parcels to friends and family on their birthdays in the usual way.  It is simple things which are no longer easily fixable which have been the most significant source of my (minor) April frustrations.

April has surely been one of the most beautiful starts to spring in memory.  The sun shone for what feels like almost continually, thick candy tufts of blossom have never looked more beautiful and wisteria has never smelled more fragrant.  Bird song is present all the time, and everywhere in nature there are signs of hope and life.

I have a lovely home with a garden and for that I am truly grateful.  Despite still going out to work, I spent more time in both than almost ever before.  Appreciating the changes each week and the stillness has been a welcome antidote the the working day.

Zoom has become a part of life.  Until 5 weeks ago I had never heard of Zoom, now it features in someway most days. It brings joy. My birthday zoom with so many friends and family will always be a highlight as are the weekly weekend Zooms with my mum and brother and family, and quiz’s with other family and friends.  It also brings frustration……poor connections, not being able to hear, people talking over each other, having to stare at your own image and the energy it all takes.  Church on Youtube has quickly become the norm and has been a moving and essential part of every Sunday.  Clapping on a Thursday has become a regular date and a chance to wave at and catch up briefly with neighbours.

As April progressed I found myself able to take control of life outside of work a little bit again.  I lost sight of many things early on, finding it hard to concentrate or focus on very much at all.  Now I have established routines and practices which feel ‘normal’ and help me stay grounded and calm. My  meal planning has become more detailed,  shopping with military precision and as locally as possible, and doing our best not to waste anything. Weekends took a little bit of work in the beginning, as we floundered a little.  Now we make a plan for the whole of Saturday of all we are going to do.  Admittedly the plan isn’t especially exciting, but as it happens excitement seems less significant now. It also helps us get the best from the day. Saturday with its lack of obligation or demand is my favourite day of the week.

Creativity has become hugely important.  Making things whether its art or cakes, writing and even some colouring have all helped, and I try to do something creative most days I can.  A practice I hope to continue.

It seems impossible to imagine that just two months ago we were going to restaurants and the cinema, hugging our loved ones, booking holidays and longing for the spring.  So much has changed in such a short time and still it feels hard to keep up with it.  I’ve certainly cried on more occasions in April than I’ve cried for a very long time.  Heightened emotion is for me at least another unexpected feature of daily life. There have also been many laughs and smiles, and many, many reasons to be thankful.

So the month of April, and I now suspect the whole of 2020 has become significant for many other reasons.  Will we celebrate during this year?  Oh yes, I think so.  It may just be that we celebrate life, and health and kindness and compassion.  April is without doubt a month to remember.